4 December 2008Chakras…Shmakras
As we sit here together, meditating, our focus entirely in the moment…here… and now… let’s bring our attention to the energy flowing up our spines…it starts as a tickling sensation in the lower back, and….. no, it’s not your neighbour’s foot, Neru, sit down.
So now, as we go deeper inside…yes…deeper… and deeper… we tune into the cosmic radio, which rings in our ears, and we see lights , behind our closed eyes… this is the train of enlightenment coming to run us down…Yes…now there is an increase in heart rate… a few spontaneous twitches of the body…and we even begin to envisage ourselves larger, larger, larger than our bodies… Oh such is the power of suggestion!
In man’s wisdom, we’ve put a label on these bodily phenomenon. We call it our kundalini rising. Now, I have something important to say – If, whilst meditating, we don’t feel our kundalini rising, please don’t tell anyone, because they’ll think we are of low consciousness, nothing but some poor followers of Viva Kawanker. So, we must say to our friends stuff like “wow, this morning, my kundalini was going crazy, it must be the full moon” – the idea is simple: if others believe our bullshit, it’s easier for us to believe it too.
Now, if kundalini isn’t enough, there are other hierarchies of subtle energy to get mixed up in, like chakras and sefirot. Of course, non of them do what’s promised on the box. None of them help us remain present, but all of them create more irrational, hallucinogenic constructs in our minds.
Shoham informs me that on Amazon there are no less than 13,000 books on the subject of Chakras. This demonstrates the fact, that as you can’t put your finger on your chakras, or anyone else’s for that matter, its ample ground for writing nonsense, and making money from the gullibility of the searcher’s soul.
Yes a question?
Swamiji, you can’t say that chakras don’t exist, they are ancient wisdom!
Yes, sweetie, chakras are ancient wisdom, just like the fact that the earth is flat, the sun rotates around it, traffic wardens are human, and there is a fiery place called hell. Until recently, ancient wisdom involved, burning people at the stake, dragging them by horses, and cutting them into pieces, et cetera.
There is only one upside to ideas about chakras and kundalini, and that is that they can sometimes remind us that the world is not what we think. And yes, the world is a mystery. Now, in our minds, this mystery can allow an empty space of not knowing to open up, which, when we focus on it, allows us to connect to the infinite. Of course, it can be quite frightening, like the feeling of falling through darkness, which is why many people lose their nerve, and grab hold of the nearest chakra tree, without wondering how weak and brittle are those branches.
Now, let’s stay in the dark and allow ourselves to fall, and leave the concept of mystery as a mystery, and not use this empty space like a shit pit at a rainbow gathering. Remember – we see what we want to see – like fairies, chakras only exist, if we believe they do… Let us be quiet and ponder for a minute these questions: When did we last truly experience our chakras? What was that experience? How is that experience really a Chakra experience?
[silence]
Chakras for sale
Now, given what I’ve just said, I’ve asked Shoham to make the unprecedented experiment of offering my Chakras for auction on E-bay. Someone called Johnnie Hippie has already started the bidding off at $0.99 Perhaps you’d like to make a bid to buy my chakras too. If so, please click here. Note, that my chakras come with free shipping and a 14 day, full, no questions asked, money back guarantee.
What… But… Shmeiki Baba…without your Chakras… you might die!
Don’t worry, Neru, there can be no danger posed by removing chakras, nor any danger for a potential buyer, in installing them. Anyway, what do I need chakras for, when I’ve got my Shmakras.
Shmakras, what on earth are Shmakras?
Well, for the same reason that ideas about Chakras get misconstrued, I had decided not to mention them. But I guess it’s slipped out now. I don’t want to confuse you, but unlike chakras, Shmakras do exist. They are our true energy centres – they can change shape, move around, and sometimes even make contact other peoples’ Shmakras by themselves. In most people, there are 4 Shmakras, each has a given colour, a corresponding crystal, and an element.
The Throat Shmakra, symbolized by the colour of green phlegm, corresponds to the element air, and to crystals of broken glass. When the throat Shmakra tingles, it means we need a drink, and/or have been smoking to much.
The Heart Shmakra, constantly changes colour. It corresponds with the element air, as well as with crystals from the Shmeiki Holy Temple of Love. When activated, we feel compassion or love.
The Stomach Shmakra, often shaped like a beef burger, is coloured ketchup red, and corresponds to the element fire, and to crystals of MSG. When the Stomach Shmakra is activated, we know we need to eat. If the tingling becomes a pain, it might be amoebas.
The Genital Shmakra, symbolized by the yellow of cum stains, corresponds with the element earth, and to crystals of MDMA. When we get a tickling sensation in our Genital Shmakra, it means, we’re getting turned on. If that tickling becomes a persistent itching, it might be the crabs, which unfortunately began to spread after last week’s Shmantric Ceremony.
Now, that’s about it for subtle energies. Shoham there is something you’d like to say?
Errr, only that I’ve set up a Facebook group for the Om Shmeiki Healing Foundation, which you are all invited to join. I’ve also decided, that in the name of Shmeiki Energy, I will reveal my breasts live on the internet, when this group reaches 1000 members.
Oh dear, Shoham, I’m really not sure that’s a good idea.
Don’t worry Shmeiki Baba, I know what I’m doing. When the group has
10000, I’ll do even more.
Well, if its in the name of Shmeiki, and it makes you happy, I guess its ok. Now there’s just time for our shmechnique. This week, we’re helping to save New Age folk and the environment by finding all books we can on Chakras and Kundalini and cutting them into pieces of toilet paper, which we’re distributing free to the poor at Kikar Dizengoff, Tel Aviv, on Friday at 1pm.
Ah yes, finally, following Shmatsang, there is a special meeting for members of the Secret Army of Shmeiki, who as we all know are soon to begin infiltrating other spiritual groups in order to turn them over to Shmeiki.
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