Introduction to Shmeiki 1

Friends, once again as we sit together, let us align ourselves with Shmeiki. Let’s return to bliss, as we sing together the great Shmantra: Shmoooooooooooooooooooom.

Shoham please read the first question.

Shmeiki Baba, you’ve been looking a little peaky recently, have you been having enough Shmantric sex?

What a perceptive question. And whoever asked it, your love is appreciated. The truth is, I haven’t been able to have any Shmantric sex now for about ten days. The reason is, on the last Shiva moon, I was masturbating to the Great Earth Goddess on a rock at the edge of the Shmeiki cave, and somehow I got an infection on my penis.

[Noises of sympathy from the group]

Yes, even Shmeiki Baba gets impatient occasionally. Of course, whilst there is nothing wrong with onanism, Shmantra is of course much better practised with a partner. Let’s say that Great Earth Goddess sent me this infection to remind me to slow down, and stop over stimulating myself. The good news is that the doctor told me I’ll be healthy for our next full moon ceremony.

Next question please, Shoham. But first, there are hands up. Yes, the girl with the dreadlocks and the red t-shirt.

Shmeiki Baba, do you practice pranayama?

No, I just breath nice and deep. Look, whilst your full lotus position is impressive, and your figure delightful, I must say, that when people tell me with their words and postulations, ‘I am a yogi or yogini’, and they wear that rather constipated expression which says, can you see how sensitive I am – I’m a really good person, well, it makes me chuckle, because this type of chasing after a spiritual identity, means any possibility of authenticity has already flown out of the window.

The same applies to anyone who tries to earn a living from new age practices, because as soon as you are receiving money from people for offering spiritual advice, you begin to carry around the identity of being an expert and by and by begin to find it difficult to say ‘I do not know.’ . Just as pitiful are the ernest middle class folk, who label themselves Vipassana Meditators, and followers of dear old Mr. Goenka. They walk around doing the Dhamma Stoop. This is when their backs bend under the weight of precepts which are not their own, and their faces bear the strain of the impossibility of trying to avoid the all to human tendencies of cravings and aversions. They try to comfort themselves by listening to their Guruji, without stopping to wonder why his wife looks even more miserable than Tsipi Livni.
Next question Shoham.

Should I be a vegetarian?

This is another question of identity, and I’m afraid it is the preserve of the truly talentless people, who feel they are interesting because of their complicated diets. Listen, if you eat a healthy, balanced diet, you can eat what you want. Christian children taste the best.
What about your identity as the Shmeiki Baba?
Aha. Thank you. Yes. The Shmeiki Baba is not my identity, for Shmeiki is not mine – Shmeiki just is. Certainly, my name is intended to show my commitment to Shmeiki, but it is merely a convention, and a rather silly one at that. Actually, you may call me anything you please. Likewise if it tickles your fancy, you are welcome to call yourself the Shmeiki Baba.
Before we begin to talk about Shmeiki One, there is time for a last question. Yes.
I know I’m coming in late to this, but can you tell me what Shmeiki is?
Brother, if you look inside, you know the answer to this already. But perhaps you need a little reminder.

Shmeiki is the source of all being, the itch in our underwear, the code the multiverse is written in. Shmeiki is our essence, the glint in our eyes, the most subtle energy and also the dog shit on your fake Crocs. Shmeiki runs through all things and does not come from anywhere. Likewise, it has no beginning and no end, and has always existed. But do not call Shmeiki sacred. It does not need your devotion or approval. In fact, Shmeiki is happy for you to call it by whatever name you like, even bloody Reiki. You are welcome to distort its teachings, or even completely deny its existence, as long as you follow your own path, and do not compromise to live as an blind prisoner of new age bullshit.

Now, an introduction to Shmeiki One. Friends, Shoham has a form for those of you who wish to sign up for the course afterwards.

You see, there is good to be gained from all sorts of new age therapies and practices, but as soon as we build an identity out of them, anything positive is lost, and they become a complete waste of time. This is where Shmechniques – Shmeiki techniques – come into the picture. They are designed for us to get the benefits, without the possibility of taking them seriously.

In Shmeiki One, we have 5 techniques.

1. Shmantra – This is first and foremost. If we’re having divine sex, what does it matter if our football team wins or loses, or that the Rosenbergs have got a new Audi.

2. Psychedelics – Correctly used, they have the power to make our identities seem ridiculous. That’s why they are largely illegal. But let’s get into this more next time.

3. Wasabi – There’s nothing quite like a hit of wasabi to focus on the now. Advanced students snort it.

4. Shitting – Communal shitting allows us to break taboos and share in the deep bodily joy of having a good shit.

5. Opening to the Retard Within – Here we test the limits of socially acceptable behaviour. If the Jews and Arabs rioting recently would have pulled silly faces and rolled around the floor dribbling on themselves, they wouldn’t need to throw bricks.

The important thing to remember – Shmeiki says don’t practice any technique too often, except Shmantra, which we can have as much of as we like. All other Shmechniques, we use, then we forget, at least for a while. And this is how we remember to trust life and dance with the infinite, knowing that the same pattern runs through all things.

For our internet viewers on NRG, this week, we’d like to conduct Cyber Shmantra. Please look closely at the lips on the screen, and on Friday at 12pm, please kiss them, for 2 minutes whilst focusing on the feeling of Shmeiki running through your body. Note those using plasma screens – these can get too hot. Please, test the temperature of your screen first, before kissing it.

Female power and its significance

Recently NRG, heard about the re-emergence of Shmeiki, and asked the Shmeiki Baba to introduce it to Israel. And so, with the help of his assistant Shoham, he has agreed to provide a transcript of his weekly Shmatsang which takes place at a secret location in India.

Shmatsang 1

Before we begin, I want us to remember that words are ambiguous – they only point, and often do it poorly. So please concentrate on the intention which runs through these words, and not merely on the ideas which they describe. You must also feel free to trust your gut instinct – it knows – and here lies the power of Shmeiki.

For those of you who are new to this, a Shmatsang is a Shmeiki Satsang, and it’s how we align ourselves with Shmeiki. It enables us to enter a blissful state of joy and acceptance, which we call Shmecstasy or Shmartori. We do this by sitting together, and focusing our attention on our presence our laughter, as well as on our dance, song, and genitals.

Each Shmatsang includes a question and answers session based around a particular theme. This week, our theme is female power and its significance. It is followed by instructions for Shmechniques, Shmeiki techniques designed to help us focus and walk in the Path of Shmeiki.

Shoham, please read out the first question.

”Shmeiki Baba, you’re often talking about female power, but I still don’t get what it is?”

Female power, is female energy. Female energy is first and foremost love. Currently, Israel has a female prime minister, but when we look at a photograph of her – do we see any love manifest? No, we see a woman hardened by a man’s world, and more masculine than most men. And this is very much symbolic of today’s problem – sexual frustration, due to the fact we have lost our appreciation of the sacred female. There is nothing more important than this. It is at the heart of Shmeiki.

To be fair to Tsipi, her frustration is not her fault. A woman cannot reconnect to her higher essence by herself.. She needs a man to release it within her. And that means at least twenty minutes of penetrative sex, after a decent period of foreplay. This is what we call Shmantric Sex. And this is where Naftali comes into the picture. He is Tsipi’s husbandi, and it is quite possible that the future of Israel and the rest of the world, rests in his hands. Naftali, I’m talking to you now on the astral plane – get your head out of the accounts, and focus on giving your wife pleasure. Forget about your own orgasms and concentrate on bringing your wife to climax and then beyond it, to the area where she feels herself to be a manifestation of mother earth. Yes, it is frightening to do this – it entails exiting your comfort zone. But you must. Explore it, give in to it, enjoy the fear. Wow, how exciting, how irresistible. Then she will flow with love, and she will be, not just the Prime Minister of Israel, she will be the Queen of Israel, and the Arabs will have no option but to make peace. And thus we will reach the age of shmaquarius, without the need for nuclear protection suits. Om Shmeiki.

Do you really mean to say that we can save the world with Shmantric Sex ?

Yes, yes and yes, for the last seven or so thousand years, most cultures and religions have been about removing power from women. In doing so, man has become increasingly domineering and cruel, and less and less connected to nature. This change in the balance of power between the sexes, has caused us to forget how to make love properly. Today, woman longs to express her true essence, and has developed all sorts of neuroses and complexities to cover her frustration, that man is generally unable to deeply please her. Somewhere deep down, man knows this and is ashamed. And despite thinking and talking about sex constantly, he finds it hard to ask for what he truly wishes for – to merge with mother earth. Consumerism gives us the impression we have freedom and choice, but really it keeps us tranquilized by media and shopping.

We carry around some pretty bizarre attitudes to sex. Whilst we obsess about it, we scorn it, but nature is throbbing with sex. Without sex, there is nothing. Right now, just think how many mammals, reptiles, birds and fish are fucking, how many plants are pollinating. We can no longer afford to be like middle class Polish Jews – the unhappiest ape of all, and the hardest nut to crack.

And this is where Shmantric Sex comes into the picture. It allows us to reconnect to our true nature.

Right away, its important to say that Shmantric Sex might not work for you completely at first, especially if you are really blocked. I urge you patience. If patience does not work, a few high doses of psychedelic drugs can really help to clear out the emotional and spiritual tubes, and get you back to nature. Of course its not a good idea to urge an Israeli Prime Minister to break the law, so Tsipi and Naftali, if you do encounter problems getting to depths of Shmantric Sex, I urge you to take a quick holiday to somewhere where magic mushrooms are legal to posess and consume. After all, we’ve got nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Om Shmeiki.

Can you describe for us the age of Shmaquarius?

It is often said that we are close to an evolutionary crossroad. Undoubtedly, the road we are one will lead to human annihilation, but the other road will lead to a new age, of peace and joy on earth. It hinges on men and women being able to make love properly. If we can do this, we will live our lives zinging with energy, and female love will again fill the world with satisfaction and take away our state of constant longing. You see, unobstructed, woman is self assured, nurturing and creative. And when she is like this, man knows his purpose. Here lies his true strength and contentment, which needs no macho postulation. If we manage to take a turn onto this other road, it will bring us naturally to change our focus towards humanistic goals, and stop our obsessions with consumption and control. Om Shmeiki.

What you’re saying is that female energy is good and male energy is bad?

No, no, no, you have not understood. This is an idea promoted by some feminists. But it is misguided and confused. In fighting for equal rights with men, feminists have tried to become men, and have lost their female selves, and begun to use their vaginas as weapons.

Some men are unfortunate enough to have had one of these feminists as a mother or a teacher at school. These are the poor victims of feminism. You’ll often see these de-masculinated individuals at spiritual workshops and groups, desperate to show how nice they are., but frightened to ask for what they really want, for risk of hearing those dreaded words: “Ah you just want sex, you do.”

Om Shmeiki.

- Shmeiki Baba, its time for this week’s shmechniques.

- Yes Shoham [very long pause]

This week, I won’t go into any new rituals, ceremonies or meditations, I just want you to practice Shmantric Sex. Men, this means focus on treating your woman as a Goddess. Make her happy before you chase your own orgasm – give yourself to her completely, and I promise you, you’ll get it back double later.

I want to finish by saying that whilst we are in big trouble as a species and a race, we still have great cause to celebrate. Our real work is physical, and its fun, and we don’t need to use words to do it. So let’s leave behind too much philosophy and get partying, before it is too late. And if you do not have a lover, get one. Those of you who would like our assistance to meet someone, might want to have a word afterwards with Shoham.

Shoham, what is next week’s theme?

- Next week, we’re going to investigate whether new age ideas about dropping identity spell suicide for Israelis.

May you walk with the Shmeiki.