Shmeiki Baba’s chakras were sold to Jonathan a devotee of Shmeiki Baba yesteday, for $0.99 US. Jonathan described his purchase as “a bargain. I was willing to pay a lot more, but luckily for me, no one else bid.” Asked what benefits he felt the chakras had bought him, he answered, “well, durr, none, its just a joke, we all know chakras don’t exist!”
Earlier today Osnat, who is sitting here on my left side , wearing those big hoop earrings, came up to me very upset, because she feels insulted by some of the people in this group, so today, I want to offer her an opportunity to talk through her issue.
So Osnat what do you have to say?
Well, like, people here have been calling me a frecha. As if! Anyway, so what if I am a frecha?…. There’s only thing I give a shit about now, and that’s will it stand in the way of me getting enlightened?
Well, your self examination is commendable, but first of all kapara, if you want me to answer you properly, can you stop chewing [gum]?
-What’s your problem?
My problem is that you sound worse than my dad slurping hot soup and its disturbing my shmakras. So, please take it out………. Now…. let’s begin as usual by defining our terms – what is a frecha and what is enlightenment?
What’s a frecha isn’t exactly a new question. Ofra Haza sang so beautifully about it,
… nails… lipstick…… dancing……the latest jeans…..fashion and a cold stare….
but look where it go her. Sadly, frecha standards can only fall, and today, the plastic baton is being carried forward in a much more insipid way by the likes of Sarit Hadad and Maya Bosilka.
The frecha is inceasingly, a low class try-hard, who lacks talent, and sees herself as the centre of her own little universe, but doesn’t register frequencies beyond those of her mobile phone. For her, being sexy and getting what she wants is paramount. But in fact, this part of her character is actually helpful for spiritual advancement, because she’s focused on the right stuff – her self.
We say that selfishness is beautiful, and in this sense, so is the frecha, because she is clear with other people about her needs and limits. And whilst she lacks any concept of cosmic unity or even common decency, she isn’t necessarily as damaging as the over educated polish Jewess, who capitulates on all the things that are really important to her, and will never forgive you for it.
There are other positive sides to being a frecha. She wears high heels, she lives close to the ground, and is total in her behaviour, meaning she lives life in the now, and doesn’t save happiness for a future day. Also, if there is a suspicious package on a bus, she isn’t frightened to shout about it.
In this vein we can see that a simple mind can be easier to fix than a complex one. You know, a good number of the masters of old were working class, non educated people, like Kabir, Guru Nanak and Guru Angad. You see, education makes it more difficult for us to undo our conditioning, and to become an empty vessel for life to flow through. Osnat, Sarit and Maya and the rest of you, there is hope, but only if you stop chewing that ghastly gum, and whilst you are at it, throw away that tacky lip gloss.
OK, I think we’ve buried that one, now let’s look at enlightenment – ?
Enlightenment, is the final goal of full, constant, self realization – permanent union with the one. Call it what you want, I piss on it and urge you to scrap this bullshit concept, because the very idea hinders us from what it points to.
You see, enlightenment is a lie, a fiction, a manipulation. Its like the dream of being a movie star, or winning the lottery. We spiritual teachers, sell this lie in new age circles, because it offers a hope which can’t be proved to exist or not. We say: if you listen to me and give me your money, I’ll point the way.‘ Well, will I hell! There aint no state of permanent enlightenment. – it can only be temporary. If you focus on the present, you are there – that’s all it is.
There are of course different levels of consciousness, the highest is when we experience moments of complete ego dissolve, and cease to separate ourselves from the world. Last week I introduced our Shmeiki One course, which includes 5 Shmechniques, Shmeiki techniques for bringing us to the present: Shmantric sex, Shmychedelics, wasabi snorting, communal shitting, and opening to the retard within. But listen guys, you can make any technique of your own, which can be just as effective at bringing you to the present moment as any other. In this vein, I encourage you to release your creativity and inventiveness, and by and by you might transcend your frecha nature.
One final thing to say on this question, is that if cracks are appearing in the makeup, and the frecha’s soul is yearning for enlightenment, the new age is clearly not so new any more, its reached the mainstream, which is what needs to happen. So, let Shmeiki be in fashion. Just remember that the idea of enlightenment is just as superficial as frechot themselves.
Osnat, has this helped you at all?
As if!
I see we have a long way to go.
Well there’s just time for this week’s Shmechnique. Everybody, please print out this picture of world banking logos, and at 12 pm on Friday, place it in the toilet and then urinate on it. Whilst you are urinating, focus your attention on your own happiness, beyond duty and social conditioning, and know in a deep place in your heart, a new way of life is emerging for all of us, based not on money but on love and the maximization of mans’ true potential.
Om fucking Shmeiki
All the while, our world spins round the sun, never missing a turn, Shmeiki Baba continues to share his knowledge. This week, he’s running a special seminar on how to develop a profit making cult.
”
…..Friends, everyone sitting here knows it’s better to avoid cults, but since the recession has arrived, and a war with Iran is on the cards, I guess there’s little to lose……
Now, there are a number of simple steps to starting a cult.
No. 1. Make like a guru.
The dynamic at work between Guruji and his followers is as follows: I am still a slave to the whims of my mind, you are too. But rather than being a slave to the whims of your mind, gain a little space, and be a slave to the whims of my mind instead. You see there are givers and takers in this world. Some people need to give, and it’s a mistake not to allow them to do so. Of course when we adopt this stance, people will have expectations. So we ought to be spontaneous, light and easy, like children. Our words must be wise and humorous, like fathers. And like brothers, we must share some of what we have. This is how we become the embodiment of compassion, even when faced with lost, pathetic people who come to feed off our energy.
Dealing with fucked up people, is the one downside to this business. We must think of them as ugly people waiting to become beautiful, as geeks soon to turn cool, as victims about to turn victorious. Let us remember that the power of transformation is limitless.
2. The Schpiel
We need to spend some time writing down what we’ve learnt from experience, and distil it down to form the backbone of our ideology, which we can of course expand, change and contradict over time. But let’s always try to steer followers away from philosophy, and instead focus on the here and now. We can use phrases such as ‘my words only point, they are not the thing itself’ and ‘truth is beyond logic and lies within paradoxes,’ to get away with most inconsistencies.
We must feel free to say anything we want, but it’s important to remember to speak slowly, with a sincere smile, and to meet everyone eye to eye – and never be the one to look away first. Some simple NLP style communications techniques can help make people feel warm – notice how I try to use the inclusive ‘we’ rather than ‘you.’
Like a cyclone needs certain conditions to form, if we make the right conditions, the cult will form. It is a natural phenomenon, an instinctive grouping system amongst humans, based around finding security in consensus.
2. The Gospel.
We do also need write one more thing – a ridiculous and improbable story about how our philosophy came to being. Its best, though not necessary, to hang it on a prophet or other mysterious channel of ultimate truth. For example, Shmeiki appeared to the Shmeiki Baba when his haemorrhoid began talking during a trip. Its good that the story is improbable, so that when followers believe it, we know they are properly hooked.
3. Regular group meetings.
This is where the group dynamic of the cult begins. At the beginning two or three people is enough. At the meetings, talk briefly about philosophy, and concentrate on fun techniques, meditations and social games. Aim to increase the numbers of meetings, in order gradually to take people away from their old friends and family.
With around nine strong members it’s viable to start a commune, in a house in the countryside. It is they who will pay for its rental and maintenance. Create a regime which is exciting and light-hearted, but which results in sleep for only short periods and at strange times. We need to replace the followers old identity with a shiny new identity, which is based on freedom and self development. We have our own Shmeiki vocabulary to express our group’s ideas: shmantra, shmoga, and shmundalini. Remember to reward loyal followers with appropriate positions of responsibility.
4. Techniques and activities.
Followers need techniques to help them focus on the now. Shmeiki has many techniques. Almost all of them work with equal effect, except psychedelics, which if used properly, can work better than everything else. Techniques can come from anything though, for example the Shmeiki Healing Foundation is currently organizing a Rename Your Street Day, in support of human liberation. Followers are currently working on special new names for streets in Israel. Initial proposals are: Moshe the Rapist Avenue, and Ehud the Embezzler Street…..
5.Courses
Running courses is a key income generator. But running a Teachers Training Program is even more important – this is where we train other people to run our courses, so they can share in our system’s profits. This is a basic pyramid selling scheme, and a great source of wealth.
As you can see, setting up your own cult is a lot of work. If it sounds a bit daunting, but you find yourself attracted to the Shmeiki way, you are welcome to take part in our own Shmeiki Teacher Training Course, which will allow you to run your own profitable Shmeiki courses. You can talk to Shoham about this later, and also check www.shmeiki.com for details.
6. The Inner Circle
Graduates of the Teachers Training Course, comprise the elite of spiritual followers and sit closest to Guruji. In Shmeiki, they are known as The Secret Army of Shmeiki. The goal of the secret Army of Shmeiki is: to make a non serious world. Our main weapon is: the practical joke. Our one true duty is: to see the funny side of things. Our salvation lies: in laughter. We know that this, and by ‘this’ we mean ‘the universe’, is one VERY big joke. And this is why, we, the Shmeiki warriors, are not held down by loans or mortgages, but are mobile, self sufficient, and generally like to live a life of lazy, hippy luxury in various third world beach paradises.
5. Manufacture key products
In most businesses, the key cost is labour. One of the advantages of having a cult is that we are provided a workforce, who work from love, and who we don’t need to pay. As we speak, around the world cult members are working away, making incense, and amulets, distributing books and dodgy mineral, without so much as a dollar being paid to them.
Some products cults make, relate to practices within the cult. For example, those wishing to complete Shmeiki 1, need to make a secret rubber g-string, inscribed with the Shmeiki logo. Its done using a sheet of rubber, some glue, a roll of red cotton, and a strong needle. We sell both the kit and the finished items on www.shmeiki.com.
There is time for just one quick question.
Yes, Shmeiki Baba, do you make a living from the Shmeiki Healing Foundation?
Luckily, Shmeiki Baba has only simple requirements –he needs just one Rolls Royce, and a token Hollywood actress to become a Shmeiki devotee….. Perhaps Selma Hayek is interested….. Shoham, before I forget, can you make a note to call her agent?
Yes, sorry, I make a good living, but spreading the word of Shmeiki is expensive. Luckily, I am blessed with a few, generous supporters. If you would like to join them, there is a donate button on shemiki.com.
Om Shmeiki
Om money pad me
Stick it up your bum
Shoham, could you read today’s first question?
Yes Babaji…..
I’ve been watching a lot of conspiracy movies on the internet like Zeitgeist, and Loose Change and I reckon they are right – there is an evil elite ruling the world. I reckon that after they’ve put us under the control of an all powerful global government, they are going to cause 80% of the world’s population to die, and put microchips in the arms of the remaining 20%!
…..Hmmm…… Well conspiracy theories say ‘things are not what they seem.’ And yes, that is the case. It is in private, at unreported gatherings, like the Bilderberg Group, the Trilateral Commission, and the Commission on Foreign Affairs, that the owners of global corporations, politicians and even royalty, agree their secret agenda for global domination. It is they who conspired the fall of the twin towers, and the subsequent “war on terror.” Their aim was to justify a reduction in civil liberties and an increase in the techno-surveillance of consumers. The war on terror has made private military contractors extremely rich on American taxpayer’s money. And significantly, despite the shiny new puppet in the oval room, nothing has changed …. What, you don’t really believe there was an election just now? Get real. The Americans have technology 50 years more advanced that what they show us, and aliens visit earth on a regular basis, but keep quiet about it.
Sure, the whole system stinks to high heaven….but we must see this mess, as a necessary part of man’s evolution. The important question which must ultimately arise when faced with most conspiracy theories is: So what? – because the only use conspiracy theories can be, is to bring the realization, that by going to work every morning, as paid slaves, we earn money to pay for a bunch of things we don’t actually need, and so perpetuate the prison we have built with our own hands.
We need to be aware, that if our immediate happiness is not our focus, if we allow ourselves to be unhappy, then conspiracy theories merely offer someone to blame, and a release of personal responsibility. In this way, conspiracy theories are like psychedelics – we need to know how to use them properly, or they will backfire on us.
But its not all bad news! The good news is that we can still choose how we use our time – We can opt to live in freedom, running around naked, outside the mainstream, in the countryside, close to nature.
Any questions?
Yes. Shmeiki Baba, I do need some money for food, my yoga classes, a ticket to India once a, so how should I earn my living?
Do what you love. Allow your talents to flow, and by and by, the money will come. Oh yes, and if you have a TV, sell it.
Om Shmeiki, Om.
Shmeiki Baba blesses the poor
Friends, once again as we sit together, let us align ourselves with Shmeiki. Let’s return to bliss, as we sing together the great Shmantra: Shmoooooooooooooooooooom.
Shoham please read the first question.
Shmeiki Baba, you’ve been looking a little peaky recently, have you been having enough Shmantric sex?
What a perceptive question. And whoever asked it, your love is appreciated. The truth is, I haven’t been able to have any Shmantric sex now for about ten days. The reason is, on the last Shiva moon, I was masturbating to the Great Earth Goddess on a rock at the edge of the Shmeiki cave, and somehow I got an infection on my penis.
[Noises of sympathy from the group]
Yes, even Shmeiki Baba gets impatient occasionally. Of course, whilst there is nothing wrong with onanism, Shmantra is of course much better practised with a partner. Let’s say that Great Earth Goddess sent me this infection to remind me to slow down, and stop over stimulating myself. The good news is that the doctor told me I’ll be healthy for our next full moon ceremony.
Next question please, Shoham. But first, there are hands up. Yes, the girl with the dreadlocks and the red t-shirt.
Shmeiki Baba, do you practice pranayama?
No, I just breath nice and deep. Look, whilst your full lotus position is impressive, and your figure delightful, I must say, that when people tell me with their words and postulations, ‘I am a yogi or yogini’, and they wear that rather constipated expression which says, can you see how sensitive I am – I’m a really good person, well, it makes me chuckle, because this type of chasing after a spiritual identity, means any possibility of authenticity has already flown out of the window.
The same applies to anyone who tries to earn a living from new age practices, because as soon as you are receiving money from people for offering spiritual advice, you begin to carry around the identity of being an expert and by and by begin to find it difficult to say ‘I do not know.’ . Just as pitiful are the ernest middle class folk, who label themselves Vipassana Meditators, and followers of dear old Mr. Goenka. They walk around doing the Dhamma Stoop. This is when their backs bend under the weight of precepts which are not their own, and their faces bear the strain of the impossibility of trying to avoid the all to human tendencies of cravings and aversions. They try to comfort themselves by listening to their Guruji, without stopping to wonder why his wife looks even more miserable than Tsipi Livni.
Next question Shoham.
Should I be a vegetarian?
This is another question of identity, and I’m afraid it is the preserve of the truly talentless people, who feel they are interesting because of their complicated diets. Listen, if you eat a healthy, balanced diet, you can eat what you want. Christian children taste the best.
What about your identity as the Shmeiki Baba?
Aha. Thank you. Yes. The Shmeiki Baba is not my identity, for Shmeiki is not mine – Shmeiki just is. Certainly, my name is intended to show my commitment to Shmeiki, but it is merely a convention, and a rather silly one at that. Actually, you may call me anything you please. Likewise if it tickles your fancy, you are welcome to call yourself the Shmeiki Baba.
Before we begin to talk about Shmeiki One, there is time for a last question. Yes.
I know I’m coming in late to this, but can you tell me what Shmeiki is?
Brother, if you look inside, you know the answer to this already. But perhaps you need a little reminder.
Shmeiki is the source of all being, the itch in our underwear, the code the multiverse is written in. Shmeiki is our essence, the glint in our eyes, the most subtle energy and also the dog shit on your fake Crocs. Shmeiki runs through all things and does not come from anywhere. Likewise, it has no beginning and no end, and has always existed. But do not call Shmeiki sacred. It does not need your devotion or approval. In fact, Shmeiki is happy for you to call it by whatever name you like, even bloody Reiki. You are welcome to distort its teachings, or even completely deny its existence, as long as you follow your own path, and do not compromise to live as an blind prisoner of new age bullshit.
Now, an introduction to Shmeiki One. Friends, Shoham has a form for those of you who wish to sign up for the course afterwards.
You see, there is good to be gained from all sorts of new age therapies and practices, but as soon as we build an identity out of them, anything positive is lost, and they become a complete waste of time. This is where Shmechniques – Shmeiki techniques – come into the picture. They are designed for us to get the benefits, without the possibility of taking them seriously.
In Shmeiki One, we have 5 techniques.
1. Shmantra – This is first and foremost. If we’re having divine sex, what does it matter if our football team wins or loses, or that the Rosenbergs have got a new Audi.
2. Psychedelics – Correctly used, they have the power to make our identities seem ridiculous. That’s why they are largely illegal. But let’s get into this more next time.
3. Wasabi – There’s nothing quite like a hit of wasabi to focus on the now. Advanced students snort it.
4. Shitting – Communal shitting allows us to break taboos and share in the deep bodily joy of having a good shit.
5. Opening to the Retard Within – Here we test the limits of socially acceptable behaviour. If the Jews and Arabs rioting recently would have pulled silly faces and rolled around the floor dribbling on themselves, they wouldn’t need to throw bricks.
The important thing to remember – Shmeiki says don’t practice any technique too often, except Shmantra, which we can have as much of as we like. All other Shmechniques, we use, then we forget, at least for a while. And this is how we remember to trust life and dance with the infinite, knowing that the same pattern runs through all things.
For our internet viewers on NRG, this week, we’d like to conduct Cyber Shmantra. Please look closely at the lips on the screen, and on Friday at 12pm, please kiss them, for 2 minutes whilst focusing on the feeling of Shmeiki running through your body. Note those using plasma screens – these can get too hot. Please, test the temperature of your screen first, before kissing it.
Recently NRG, heard about the re-emergence of Shmeiki, and asked the Shmeiki Baba to introduce it to Israel. And so, with the help of his assistant Shoham, he has agreed to provide a transcript of his weekly Shmatsang which takes place at a secret location in India.
Shmatsang 1
Before we begin, I want us to remember that words are ambiguous – they only point, and often do it poorly. So please concentrate on the intention which runs through these words, and not merely on the ideas which they describe. You must also feel free to trust your gut instinct – it knows – and here lies the power of Shmeiki.
For those of you who are new to this, a Shmatsang is a Shmeiki Satsang, and it’s how we align ourselves with Shmeiki. It enables us to enter a blissful state of joy and acceptance, which we call Shmecstasy or Shmartori. We do this by sitting together, and focusing our attention on our presence our laughter, as well as on our dance, song, and genitals.
Each Shmatsang includes a question and answers session based around a particular theme. This week, our theme is female power and its significance. It is followed by instructions for Shmechniques, Shmeiki techniques designed to help us focus and walk in the Path of Shmeiki.
Shoham, please read out the first question.
”Shmeiki Baba, you’re often talking about female power, but I still don’t get what it is?”
Female power, is female energy. Female energy is first and foremost love. Currently, Israel has a female prime minister, but when we look at a photograph of her – do we see any love manifest? No, we see a woman hardened by a man’s world, and more masculine than most men. And this is very much symbolic of today’s problem – sexual frustration, due to the fact we have lost our appreciation of the sacred female. There is nothing more important than this. It is at the heart of Shmeiki.
To be fair to Tsipi, her frustration is not her fault. A woman cannot reconnect to her higher essence by herself.. She needs a man to release it within her. And that means at least twenty minutes of penetrative sex, after a decent period of foreplay. This is what we call Shmantric Sex. And this is where Naftali comes into the picture. He is Tsipi’s husbandi, and it is quite possible that the future of Israel and the rest of the world, rests in his hands. Naftali, I’m talking to you now on the astral plane – get your head out of the accounts, and focus on giving your wife pleasure. Forget about your own orgasms and concentrate on bringing your wife to climax and then beyond it, to the area where she feels herself to be a manifestation of mother earth. Yes, it is frightening to do this – it entails exiting your comfort zone. But you must. Explore it, give in to it, enjoy the fear. Wow, how exciting, how irresistible. Then she will flow with love, and she will be, not just the Prime Minister of Israel, she will be the Queen of Israel, and the Arabs will have no option but to make peace. And thus we will reach the age of shmaquarius, without the need for nuclear protection suits. Om Shmeiki.
Do you really mean to say that we can save the world with Shmantric Sex ?
Yes, yes and yes, for the last seven or so thousand years, most cultures and religions have been about removing power from women. In doing so, man has become increasingly domineering and cruel, and less and less connected to nature. This change in the balance of power between the sexes, has caused us to forget how to make love properly. Today, woman longs to express her true essence, and has developed all sorts of neuroses and complexities to cover her frustration, that man is generally unable to deeply please her. Somewhere deep down, man knows this and is ashamed. And despite thinking and talking about sex constantly, he finds it hard to ask for what he truly wishes for – to merge with mother earth. Consumerism gives us the impression we have freedom and choice, but really it keeps us tranquilized by media and shopping.
We carry around some pretty bizarre attitudes to sex. Whilst we obsess about it, we scorn it, but nature is throbbing with sex. Without sex, there is nothing. Right now, just think how many mammals, reptiles, birds and fish are fucking, how many plants are pollinating. We can no longer afford to be like middle class Polish Jews – the unhappiest ape of all, and the hardest nut to crack.
And this is where Shmantric Sex comes into the picture. It allows us to reconnect to our true nature.
Right away, its important to say that Shmantric Sex might not work for you completely at first, especially if you are really blocked. I urge you patience. If patience does not work, a few high doses of psychedelic drugs can really help to clear out the emotional and spiritual tubes, and get you back to nature. Of course its not a good idea to urge an Israeli Prime Minister to break the law, so Tsipi and Naftali, if you do encounter problems getting to depths of Shmantric Sex, I urge you to take a quick holiday to somewhere where magic mushrooms are legal to posess and consume. After all, we’ve got nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Om Shmeiki.
Can you describe for us the age of Shmaquarius?
It is often said that we are close to an evolutionary crossroad. Undoubtedly, the road we are one will lead to human annihilation, but the other road will lead to a new age, of peace and joy on earth. It hinges on men and women being able to make love properly. If we can do this, we will live our lives zinging with energy, and female love will again fill the world with satisfaction and take away our state of constant longing. You see, unobstructed, woman is self assured, nurturing and creative. And when she is like this, man knows his purpose. Here lies his true strength and contentment, which needs no macho postulation. If we manage to take a turn onto this other road, it will bring us naturally to change our focus towards humanistic goals, and stop our obsessions with consumption and control. Om Shmeiki.
What you’re saying is that female energy is good and male energy is bad?
No, no, no, you have not understood. This is an idea promoted by some feminists. But it is misguided and confused. In fighting for equal rights with men, feminists have tried to become men, and have lost their female selves, and begun to use their vaginas as weapons.
Some men are unfortunate enough to have had one of these feminists as a mother or a teacher at school. These are the poor victims of feminism. You’ll often see these de-masculinated individuals at spiritual workshops and groups, desperate to show how nice they are., but frightened to ask for what they really want, for risk of hearing those dreaded words: “Ah you just want sex, you do.”
Om Shmeiki.
- Shmeiki Baba, its time for this week’s shmechniques.
- Yes Shoham [very long pause]
This week, I won’t go into any new rituals, ceremonies or meditations, I just want you to practice Shmantric Sex. Men, this means focus on treating your woman as a Goddess. Make her happy before you chase your own orgasm – give yourself to her completely, and I promise you, you’ll get it back double later.
I want to finish by saying that whilst we are in big trouble as a species and a race, we still have great cause to celebrate. Our real work is physical, and its fun, and we don’t need to use words to do it. So let’s leave behind too much philosophy and get partying, before it is too late. And if you do not have a lover, get one. Those of you who would like our assistance to meet someone, might want to have a word afterwards with Shoham.
Shoham, what is next week’s theme?
- Next week, we’re going to investigate whether new age ideas about dropping identity spell suicide for Israelis.
May you walk with the Shmeiki.